My biggest relationship blocker
About a month ago, I stopped hearing back from the girl I had been seeing for about a month.
I am not exactly sure what happened, but I felt weird to be suddenly ghosted by a girl with whom I have gone on multiple dates.
Although this dating experience got cut short unexpectedly, I still learned a lot about myself throughout this experience.
I will not focus on exploring why I got ghosted because I could never know the real answer. Instead, I would like to share a blocker I noticed that is hindering me from getting into a healthy and intimate relationship.
If any of y'all is unsatisfied with the quality of your relationships, I will encourage everyone to reflect on the blockers that are hindering us from building the relationships we want.
What did I learn about myself in this short dating experience?
While seeing the girl, I realized I would feel very anxious when the girl didn't text back within a few hours.
When I didn't hear back from the girl after some time, I would start questioning whether I had said something wrong. I would be checking my phone frequently and begin to worry about whether I would ever hear from the girl again.
My recent dating experience is also not the first time I have felt anxious because I felt the same way with another girl I had seen for a few months in SF. I usually don't get stressed out easily, except when approaching a romantic relationship.
I think one of the reasons why I feel anxious in a romantic relationship is I am always afraid of losing a girl I am interested in. Since it's so rare to come across a girl I am excited about, I often invest a lot early in a relationship to hold on to the girl.
When I put a lot of time and energy into a relationship, I often expect the other person to do the same thing. However, when the person I am seeing does not meet my expectation, I would start feeling anxious and stressed about the relationship.
My anxiety made me feel unbalanced in dating, which hindered me from entering a healthy relationship.
What am I going to do about my relationship blocker?
- See a therapist
I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago because I want to explore all the root causes of my anxiety in a romantic relationship.
Although I don't know whether therapy would resolve my relationship blocker, I think I would better understand my feelings and behaviors throughout the process.
By better understanding my thoughts and feelings, I hope I will be able to identify ways to better cope with my anxiety in a relationship in the future.
- Understand what things are out of my control
Reflecting on my anxious moments in my most recent dating experience, I realized I often worried about things that were entirely out of my control.
For instance, I felt anxious about the girl not responding within a few hours. However, the reality is whether the girl will respond to me is entirely out of my control.
Whenever I feel stressed in the future, I need to step back to identify whether the things I am worried about are within my control. I would feel more at ease if I could let go of my worries about things outside of my control.
- Take it easy
When I meet a girl I like, I often give her a lot of attention and time early in the relationship. I used to think the more I invested in the girl, the more the girl would like me. However, a relationship doesn't work like that. In fact, the more I tried to hang on to the girl, the more I drove the girl away.
Investing too much early in the relationship caused me to have unrealistic expectations. If the girl doesn't reciprocate the same way, I would often feel anxious and disappointed. However, I need to realize that a relationship takes time to build.
I must learn to take it easy and let the relationship progress naturally. I often tried too hard and forgot to have fun along the process. Therefore, I would like to lower my expectations and go with the flow in the future.
Conclusion
I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Everyone we encounter in life teaches us a specific lesson. Through this short dating experience, I recognized my pattern of feeling anxious when interacting with girls I am interested in.
There are probably many reasons that caused my anxiety in dating, but I could only focus on the factors within my control. Seeing a therapist, understanding what's out of my control, and taking it easy are three things I could do to overcome the barrier to entering a healthy relationship.
I welcome y'all to ask yourself this question: "what might be some blockers that hinder you from building the relationship you want?"
Feel free to share your reflections, thoughts, or feedback with me @themagichen on Instagram or reach me at themagichen@gmail.com