Close friends in life

One of my best friends from college moved from NYC to SF two weeks ago.

In addition to my college best friend leaving, my other best friend from high school told me a few weeks ago that he is considering moving to California this winter.

A big reason why I chose to move to NYC last July was that I would finally be in the same city with two of my best friends. However, all of a sudden, my two best friends will not be in NYC by the end of this year.

Although I will always keep in touch with my best friends regardless of where they are, I think it is essential to have a few very close friends in the same city as me. Therefore, I have been reflecting on what kind of people would potentially become my close friends, so I could easily recognize them in the future.

In this post, I am going to share the key factors that formed my close friendships by analyzing some common attributes between my two best friends and me.

By sharing the elements that formed my closest friendships, I encourage us to reflect on the critical factors that could help us form deep friendships in the future.

My definition of close friends

Everyone has their way of defining what close friends mean, so I think it's important to determine what close friends mean to me first.

My definition of close friends is straightforward: close friends are the people who I would list as my emergency contacts, and who I am willing to be listed as their emergency contact.

I consider my close friends as people who will be available and always do what's the best for me when I need help.

Since a relationship is a two-way street, I would also show up and take care of my close friends when they need me.

Key factors that formed close friendships

When reflecting on why my two best friends became close to me, I realized there are three main factors that bonded us:

We share a similar outlook on life

The first thing that stood out between my best friends and me is we have an extremely similar outlook on life.

My best friends and I are generally pretty happy people and have a very optimistic view of life.

I once asked two of my best friends to rate their average day-to-day happiness level on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being the saddest; 10 being the happiest). Both of my best friends gave me either a 7 or 8 rating.

The rating of my average happiness level is 6.8, which I measure myself every day for a year (I will write about my happiness tracking in another post). From gauging our average happiness level, I know my best friends and I are generally content with our lives on a daily basis. Therefore, we tend to see this world through a positive lens.  

My best friends and I believe no matter what happens in life, we will be fine at the end of the day. We always view the setbacks or challenges in life as the fuel that will propel us forward in the future.

Although my best friends and I have disagreements from time to time, our life philosophy is always aligned. I feel like we are always operating at a similar frequency, making me feeling very at ease and comfortable around them.

We feel refreshed after spending time with each other

The second factor that bonded my best friends and me is we all feel energized after hanging out with each other.

One of the key reasons why my best friends and I always feel refreshed after spending time together is we all enjoy having deep conversations.

Instead of just talking about facts and options, my best friends and I often discuss how we truly feel about a particular topic. We can be vulnerable and openly discuss our feelings with each other. By sharing how we feel about things, my best friends and I were able to really connect with each other.

Connecting with people deeply is one of the most satisfying things for me. Since my best friends and I have deep conversations very frequently, I get a lot of joy and energy walking out of our interactions.

We deeply admire and respect each other

The least obvious but one of the most important factors that cemented my friendships with my best friends is we deeply admire and respect each other.

I distinctly remembered the moment that made me admire my best friends.

For my best friend from high school, it was during a rainy day when we were visiting NYC while we were still in high school. I remember it was raining that day, and we rushed into a subway station to avoid the rain. While we were about halfway down the stairs of the subway station, I saw my high school best friend suddenly turn around and run up the stairs.

I was extremely confused by my high school best friend's action. When I looked up, I saw an old lady carrying a lot of luggage struggling to walk down the stairs. No one was helping that old lady because she smelled unpleasant and looked like she had been living on the streets for a while. However, my high school best friend didn't hesitate to help the old lady to bring her luggage down the stairs. At that moment, I knew I wanted to be friends with such a kind person for as long as possible.

For my college best friend, it was after I went on a first date with a girl in my senior year in college. The girl I went on a date with suddenly lost interest after what I thought was a great first date.

Fortunately, my college best friend was friends with the girl I went on a date with, so he could find out why the girl lost interest in me.

I remember my college best friend pulled me aside one day and told me:

"Jamie, your problem is you never fucking listen to what others have to say"

It was a very humbling moment. That moment was the first time someone was so brutally honest with me. It was also the moment I wanted to make sure my college best friend would always be in my life.

Conclusion

We will probably encounter tens of thousands of people throughout our lives, but only a few people will become our friends. Out of all our friends, only a tiny amount of people will become our close friends. To know who would be your close friends, I think it's important to understand the factors that caused our close friends to be close to us.

Sharing a similar outlook on life, feeling refreshed after every hangout, and having genuine admiration for each other are three key factors that bonded my closest friends and me. I would apply this framework to help me identify the people who could become my close friends in the future.

I welcome y'all to ask yourself this question: "What really bonded you and your close friends?"

Feel free to share your reflections, thoughts, or feedback with me @themagichen on Instagram or reach me at themagichen@gmail.com