Being Single All My Life

Valentine's day was just a few days ago, so I feel like it's the most appropriate time to share this post.

This is not a post about relationship advice. This is also not a blog about me complaining about all my problems. This is a post about my journey from being haunted to being at ease with my insecurities. Through sharing the process of reconciling with my insecurities, I hope we will all be able to find peace and discover happiness within ourselves.

Over the past ten years, there has always been a topic that made me feel very uncomfortable whenever my friends brought it up: my experience in a romantic relationship.

Let's get it out of the way: I have never been in an official relationship before. Although I have been going on dates here and there, I have never been in a long-term relationship. Since I grew up with conservative and traditional Eastern values, I don't feel comfortable getting physical with girls before entering a committed relationship. Consequently, I also never really made any physical moves on girls in the past.

Although I don't exactly know the reasons why I have been single for the past twenty-eight years, I know two of my insecurities hindered me on my romantic journey:

Lack of confidence about my appearance

Although I don't want to admit it, I am often the shortest person among my guy friends. I am only 170 cm (~5'7") on a good day. According to worlddata.info, the average man's height in Taiwan is 173 cm (~5'8"), whereas the average man's height in the US is 177cm (~5'10").

If I were in Taiwan, I would only be slightly below average. However, the reality is I am in the fucking US now. Therefore, the harsh truth is I am significantly below the average man's height in America.

On top of being short, I also have some pimple scars on my face. In middle school, I started growing a bunch of pimples on my face. By the time in high school, my acne problem got so severe that I felt terrible about myself every time I looked into a mirror. Fortunately, my skin started to clear up after college, but all the pimples I had over the years left a bunch of scars on my face.

With a combo of being short and having acne scars, I was highly self-conscious from high school through college. During school, I was always afraid to talk to girls because I worried that my appearance would be the reason for rejection.

When I was a teenager, I used to think life was so unfair. I tried almost every method to grow taller and get rid of my acne. I started paying a lot of attention to my diet. I cut out all junk food and ate a lot of veggies. I also joined the fencing, cross country, and water polo team to force myself to get exercise every day. However, none of my efforts resulted in me growing taller or having fewer pimples.

Although I was frustrated by not being able to change anything, I am happy that I put in the effort to improve my appearance in retrospect. Because I was paying attention to what I eat and how I exercise, I was able to build healthy eating and regular exercising habits early on in life. Sometimes a curse is just a blessing in disguise.

All you can do is the best you can do; the best you can do is all you can do - Mr. Gilroy

The quote Mr. Gilroy, my AP Physics teacher, shared helped me put things in perspective. As I become older, I learn that there are many things I cannot control. I am not growing any taller, but I still can improve my appearance. I could continue to focus on eating healthily and working out consistently to ensure I am in the best shape.

Lack of experience with girls

My other big insecurity is my lack of experience with girls. This is a chicken and egg problem: I won't gain experience if I don't start dating, but it's also hard for me to start dating because I don't have much experience.

A few years ago, there was a girl I was seeing about three months. I felt that we were "almost" in a relationship. However, suddenly, I found out the girl was very hesitant to progress the relationship. After discussing with the girl, I found out the root cause of her hesitance was my lack of experience in a relationship. She pointed out that I didn't know how to treat a girl or handle a girl's emotions. I didn't say anything back because I knew she was right.

Although there are probably multiple reasons why my relationship doesn't work out, the lack of experience with girls is undoubtedly a factor prohibiting me from entering a meaningful relationship. My inexperience in dating caused me to be pretty self-conscious because I fear being inexperienced will result in another rejection again.

What made me the most insecure with my lack of experience with girls is when I compare myself with others. In their late twenties, most of my friends have either been through multiple relationships or are in a committed long-term relationship. A few of my friends are even married already. On the other hand, I didn't even really have a real relationship yet. Sometimes I fear that maybe I will be single for the rest of my life.

A lot of the time, I wonder if I have been doing something wrong because I am way behind everyone's schedule. However, I realized that a relationship is a two-way street. When things don't work out, it can merely be two people who are not very compatible. There are many things that are out of my control, so I could only focus on being myself and go with the flow.

Once I started to focus on what I could control, I began to accept who I am. I realized that no one is born with experience in dating. Everyone has to learn things through trial & error. We all have our timelines, so there's no need to compare me with others. The only person I should be compared with is myself. As long as I am making an effort to become a better version of myself, I know I will be able to sleep well at night.

Conclusion

We all are insecure about various things. It is tough to admit our insecurities. I tried to avoid acknowledging my insecurities about my love life for the longest time, which deeply affected my self-esteem. Over the past few years, I began to face my insecurities directly. I realized a lot of my self-consciousness stems from things I cannot control. Once I stopped worrying about things that are out of my control, I started to feel better about myself.

When I think about it now, there's nothing to be ashamed of being single all my life because that's just who I am. By accepting my appearance and lack of dating experience, I am finally experiencing my inner peace and feeling genuinely content about myself.

I encourage y'all to start a dialogue with yourself about your insecurities. Focus on what we can control and be okay with who we are. I believe only we can embrace our insecurities; that's when we can truly be at ease and discover the happiness within ourselves.

Feel free to share your reflections, thoughts, or feedback with me @themagichen on Instagram or reach me at themagichen@gmail.com.